The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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