Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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