Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
