idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
