Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
