I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We had to coat check the pizza.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
