I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
