Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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