My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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