I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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