he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
