Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
