Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
