If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
