I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
