Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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