we're chasing vodka with high fives
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she peed on how many people?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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