I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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