I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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