he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
