it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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