I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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