P.S. I can't hear my feet
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
