i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
