my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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