Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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