I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize