Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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