I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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