Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
