Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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