I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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