Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize