They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
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