what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
