he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
