Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
