Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
