Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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