You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
