Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
