if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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