i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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