I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize