You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
