As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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