He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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