Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
