I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
