Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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