youre lurking in front of me
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Vodka?
Forever.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
