It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
