so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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