Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
