found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My life is pants optional.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize