The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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