so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
